I have an infertility hangover.
I talked about how IF has changed my life in my last post on my other blog. I talked about the scars that it had left.
I realized how deep those scars ran today.
Today, Caitlyn refused to nurse three times and it broke my heart. I have to admit that it brought me to tears. You're probably wondering why this is such a big deal and I wondered the same as well. Why was this such a hard thing to accept that she won't nurse? Can't I just get over it and bottle feed her my expressed breast milk? As a parent, I should only be concerned with what is the best thing for her welfare and as long as she is getting breast milk, it shouldn't matter how...does it?
But it strikes fear into the deepest, darkest places of my heart, places that IF has only touched.
I fear that it is not a temporary refusal.
I fear that it will become permanent refusal.
I fear that this will lead to a dwindling of my milk supply.
I fear that this is a precursor to the end of all breastfeeding for my girls.
I have been thinking about this all day, more and more with each time she has refused to nurse. Why is this such a big deal?
The conclusion that I came to was this: IF has shaken my self-confidence as a woman to the very core. I have learned to take nothing for granted and not to assume that things a woman should be able to do will simply happen...
...like getting pregnant...
...like breastfeeding.
I think that deep down inside, I am waiting for my body to fail me yet again. Logically speaking, I know that there is no basis for this fear. I produce enough breast milk for both my girls such that we haven't used formula in over 2 months. I even have a decent amount of extra frozen in the freezer. There are other mitigating factors that influenced the breastfeeding today that, logically in my mind, make sense as to why Caitlyn would have refused to nurse...she was overtired and tends to lose patience with nursing when tired; she's going through a growth spurt at 16 weeks; she was having terrible acid reflux today. All these things added to a challenging day for her and didn't encourage her to breastfeed. I know all of these things in my head but my heart...my battered and bruised heart...it wouldn't listen.
I think my commitment to breastfeed is deeply rooted in my determination to not fail again. My body will not fail me again.
I'm not going to let it happen again.
Or so my heart thinks.
I keep reminding myself to keep my eye on the bigger picture. Caitlyn has refused to nurse before but she has always come back. Heck, just yesterday, she spent a whopping 20 minutes nursing at one feed and seemed to enjoy the time spent with me. Finally, first and foremost as a parent, my focus should be on doing what is best for my girls and that is giving them breast milk. Again, that is giving them breast milk and not breastfeeding them breast milk.
I am struggling to let go of my deeply rooted fears but it is not easy. I realized just how deep those fears ran today. I don't want to have those kinds of fears anymore. I want to live my life and embrace these experiences and learn from them and allow them to make me into a better person.
I don't want to be afraid of them.
I have discovered that the process of letting go is harder than I thought.
Hm, I wonder if this is part of my reluctance to add in formula too? My body has failed me in getting pg, in staying pg, and now this too. Just wanted one thing to come easily, like most other things in my life.
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ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that your struggling with this. I went through the same thing. But as hard as it is to see this now, your girls will be fine if your feeding them breast milk or if your pumping or if your doing formula. It wasn't what I wanted to do particularly and sometimes I regret quitting when I did but everything turns out fine. Your girls will have a strong bond with you no matter what. Your Mom to them. You do everything right in those girls eyes. Love them, work your hardest to do the best for them and you won't have ever failed. You had them, Your body did that right. You got pg, you have two beautiful girls.
ReplyDeleteI hope you figure out what you need to do and come to peace with whatever ends up. Its so hard when things don't work the way you want. Dang our crazy women bodies. Some people make these things look so easy. I ask myself all the time, why does all the fertility, breastfeeding have to be so hard for me? Either way, Things will work out. Don't be so hard on yourself.
IF certainly leaves scars that's for sure...ones we may not even notice until a particular situation arises, like it sounds like it did with the breastfeeding. I see the scars in my immense sadness as my little one gets bigger every day because I know it is probably my only chance at having a baby.
ReplyDeleteI totally get the body failing thing. Mine still hasn't proven to be worth a damn in anything reproductive and it's hard to trust it for much of anything. I find myself thinking I will end up with cancer or some other type of disease because of that distrust.... It's a hard way to be.
ReplyDeleteHope it gets better/easier!
I totally understand. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteKayJay, I haven't looked at any blogs for ages and just skimmed some of your latest posts. OMG, I have gone through all of it. You're not alone! I have cried over Benjamin's refusal of the breast, my weaning supply, the crying, the lack of strength to let them cry it out, wondered whether to walk them during naps or not, the question of how to dress them at night to prevent overheating or getting cold, all of it. We haven't done CIO and are hoping to avoid it but my babies were both sick last week and have now got used to more cuddling and rocking to sleep. I'm trying to decide what to do about it. Anyway, hello again and hang in there! Jessica xx
ReplyDeleteYou are right, our IF wounds are so deep. Our fears run so deep. It is totally normal and understandable that you would be feeling this way. I would too.
ReplyDeleteYou need to be cautious to protect yourself, but I think and hope and pray that these new fears are unfounded. Remember, your body didn't let you down when you were carrying those beautiful girls. You brought them into this world safely (albeit in one of the most horrific labour stories I have ever heard LOL) and you should be proud for that. they are here, drinking your breast milk because of you. You are doing a great job, try not to second guess yourself.