Monday, May 24, 2010

Sleep Training Night 9...The Wheels Fell Off the Bus

We have decided after more than a week of trying to sleep train our twins that we are temporarily suspending activities. We've decided that they're too young and using the extinction method (i.e. crying it out) didn't seem to be working in the short amount of time that was promised in the book. It's supposed to be the fastest way to do this but after 9 nights of hysterical crying at the beginning of the night with zero improvement, we are beat.

Yes, we did see improvement during the rest of the night in that they fell asleep faster and for bigger chunks of time after the night feeds. However, the initial bedtime was awful and remained awful and I didn't see enough (read: any) improvement to merit staying the course.

The book says that once naps are well established, which occurs usually at the 3-4 month mark post due date, sleep training using the extinction method should take about 3-5 nights. It is the fastest method that parents like to use to initially teach their children and then to get them back on track after something upsets the routine. The book said that the initial period of crying is on average about 45 minutes on night 1, 20 minutes on night 2 and zero to 10 minutes on night three. After consistently hitting 2.5 - 3 hours of hysterical crying 8 nights in a row, there's something wrong at our end. Yes, there were some nights where they did go down initially without a peep BUT there would always be a prolonged period of crying that would occur during the evening.

When the crying would happen, I would always go back and read the book, searching for clues on how to make this work. I have come to the conclusion that they are too young to do this right now because their naps have not yet become regularized. Naps don't start getting into a routine until about 3-4 months post due date and my kids are only 9 weeks post due date right now. Using extinction depends on naps being well established. We had an awesome day on Sunday - they napped really well and for long stretches of time...we couldn't have set up better for the night. However, after putting them down and about 40 minutes of sleep, they started wailing and continued for a good 45 minutes or so.

At this point, we had had enough.

We're going back to soothing them if they need it to fall asleep. Maybe they need to know we're there. Maybe they need to know that we'll come when they call for us. Maybe this learned behaviour is too much to ask of two girls that are so small.

Whatever it is, we're going to give them a few more weeks before we try again and I don't know that we'll try extinction the next time around either. As a first time parent, this sleep training was brutal. It broke my heart. In some ways, I feel like we failed but in other ways, I tell myself that they are still really young and small and when the time is right, we should be able to accomplish this with a lot less pain...we just have to be patient.

So for next time around, here are some tips for sleep training that were not in the book:

1. Do not allow any visitors during bedtime or afterward until sleep training has been completed.

Not everyone believes in sleep training nor have they read the book. Hysterical crying will wear down anyone in a flash and relatives, especially grandparents, will have no tolerance at all for crying. They will also freely express opinions to first time parents that will make the sleep training harder and which you do not need to hear during this very stressful time.

2. Plan on getting extra sleep during this time.

I hear this all the time but really, while sleep training, you need to sleep at night when they sleep. I was a walking zombie by night 8...I was so emotionally and physically tired from listening to them cry for so long that I was a wreck. If they finally fell asleep by 9pm, we were in bed by the end of the week at 9:30pm. Trust me - you'll be tired and falling asleep at that earlier time is no problem.

3. Turn down or turn off your baby monitors.

If you use extinction, you will be able to hear the crying just fine without amplifying it loud enough for the neighbourhood to hear. It is very hard on the nerves to listen to a baby crying for a few minutes, let alone the 45 minutes or longer it may take on night 1. We used our video monitors to make sure they were okay but dial down the volume. I had headaches from listening to them and after a few nights, dialed down the volume.

4. Be very clear with your partner about what the plan is.

You will most likely get scattered listening to your baby cry for so long. Have the discussions before hand with your DH or partner so that you agree on a plan of action and you don't have to decide in the stress of the moment when they're screaming. Be clear about how much crying you're going to accept and the time markers that you will be using before responding.

So that's it...we'll try round two in a few weeks. Thank you to all of you who offered support to us during this time. It was brutal and we are not done yet but we are hopefully a little wiser for the next time around.

5 comments:

  1. KJ- I just got caught up on your blog and am so proud of you! I agree that sleep training is ESSENTIAL for little ones and our duties as a parent. And, trust me, in the short run it is difficult, but you will thank yourselves in the long run. My boys go down to sleep without any soothing and instead of soothing them all night long, my DH and I have quality time to ourselves:)

    Having said this, I agree that your little angels might be a little too young. I think it is easier to establish their nap schedules first and then work on the night routine. You are doing an amazing job as a firt-time parent and are doing all of the right things. Once they establish their nap routine everything else will fall into place. My boys have been on this shedule since they were 3.5 months old (in case it helps you):
    6:30- wake up, eat, diaper change, play
    8:00- nap
    9:00- wake up
    9:30am- eat, diaper change, play
    10:30- nap
    12:00- wake up, play
    12:30pm- eat, diaper change, play
    1:30- nap (if they wake up before 3:00, trying burping and then lay back down)
    3:45- wake up
    4:00- eat, diaper change, play
    5:30- nap (45 minutes only. If they did not have a good afternoon nap, then they can go to bed a little earlier when they are tired and sleep until 6:30ish)
    6:30- wake up, play
    7:00- get into onesie, pajamas, diaper change and sleep sack
    7:15- give them Prilosec, eat, and bed time

    I just had to type this out for my parents who stayed over night at our house with our boys this past Saturday night while we attended a wedding out of town.

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  2. I only have one child, who for the most part was a good sleeper. Books work for some people, but really I don't put alot of stock into the ones when it comes to stuff like this. I put a little fan in AJ's room when he was little, made sure it was blowing away from him, but up against his crib. This gave him a little humming noise and vibrated his bed just a little. Plus he had reflux and we did (according to our DR.) thicken his night bottles with rice cereal. That worked for us perfectly. With BF babies, if they are only getting breastmilk & nothing more, they tend to want to eat more often than those who ff.
    All in all, I think the mother's intuition is better than any book out there. I wanted AJ to be a co-sleeping, thumb sucking (or paci), snuggly baby...he didn't want any of that.
    They grow up way too fast. You blink your eyes and they're 3 and talking to you. I say snuggle, hold and rock them as much as you can now, because the day will come (very soon) that they will not want that at all. I miss rocking my baby! :-(
    Good luck Mama!

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  3. Sorry the whole thing was so traumatic for all. You've covcinced me I should wait a little longer too.
    RE pumping- just realized I could tell you the lactation consultant seemed to say I could stop cold turkey a while back to challenge Kara to get it all herself. I just didn't totally do it, and as she didn't maintain her weight gain, I went back to pumping after most feeds.

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  5. I wish the girls were sleeping better. But I don't blame you for giving up on the books for now. I know that they offer help sometimes and I can't speak for twins but we didn't read any books and our son sleeps SO GOOD. He sleeps from 9:15-9:15 If we let him he sometimes could sleep past 10:00. But we wake him at 6:30 on the weekdays. The only thing that worked for us was making sure he went to bed at the same time each night and we were waking him every morning at 6:30. He would nap 2-3 times a day and be tired again by 9:00 or so. Do what works best for your girls whether its in the books or not.

    Good luck.

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