Sleep Training Night 9...The Wheels Fell Off the Bus

We have decided after more than a week of trying to sleep train our twins that we are temporarily suspending activities. We've decided that they're too young and using the extinction method (i.e. crying it out) didn't seem to be working in the short amount of time that was promised in the book. It's supposed to be the fastest way to do this but after 9 nights of hysterical crying at the beginning of the night with zero improvement, we are beat.

Yes, we did see improvement during the rest of the night in that they fell asleep faster and for bigger chunks of time after the night feeds. However, the initial bedtime was awful and remained awful and I didn't see enough (read: any) improvement to merit staying the course.

The book says that once naps are well established, which occurs usually at the 3-4 month mark post due date, sleep training using the extinction method should take about 3-5 nights. It is the fastest method that parents like to use to initially teach their children and then to get them back on track after something upsets the routine. The book said that the initial period of crying is on average about 45 minutes on night 1, 20 minutes on night 2 and zero to 10 minutes on night three. After consistently hitting 2.5 - 3 hours of hysterical crying 8 nights in a row, there's something wrong at our end. Yes, there were some nights where they did go down initially without a peep BUT there would always be a prolonged period of crying that would occur during the evening.

When the crying would happen, I would always go back and read the book, searching for clues on how to make this work. I have come to the conclusion that they are too young to do this right now because their naps have not yet become regularized. Naps don't start getting into a routine until about 3-4 months post due date and my kids are only 9 weeks post due date right now. Using extinction depends on naps being well established. We had an awesome day on Sunday - they napped really well and for long stretches of time...we couldn't have set up better for the night. However, after putting them down and about 40 minutes of sleep, they started wailing and continued for a good 45 minutes or so.

At this point, we had had enough.

We're going back to soothing them if they need it to fall asleep. Maybe they need to know we're there. Maybe they need to know that we'll come when they call for us. Maybe this learned behaviour is too much to ask of two girls that are so small.

Whatever it is, we're going to give them a few more weeks before we try again and I don't know that we'll try extinction the next time around either. As a first time parent, this sleep training was brutal. It broke my heart. In some ways, I feel like we failed but in other ways, I tell myself that they are still really young and small and when the time is right, we should be able to accomplish this with a lot less pain...we just have to be patient.

So for next time around, here are some tips for sleep training that were not in the book:

1. Do not allow any visitors during bedtime or afterward until sleep training has been completed.

Not everyone believes in sleep training nor have they read the book. Hysterical crying will wear down anyone in a flash and relatives, especially grandparents, will have no tolerance at all for crying. They will also freely express opinions to first time parents that will make the sleep training harder and which you do not need to hear during this very stressful time.

2. Plan on getting extra sleep during this time.

I hear this all the time but really, while sleep training, you need to sleep at night when they sleep. I was a walking zombie by night 8...I was so emotionally and physically tired from listening to them cry for so long that I was a wreck. If they finally fell asleep by 9pm, we were in bed by the end of the week at 9:30pm. Trust me - you'll be tired and falling asleep at that earlier time is no problem.

3. Turn down or turn off your baby monitors.

If you use extinction, you will be able to hear the crying just fine without amplifying it loud enough for the neighbourhood to hear. It is very hard on the nerves to listen to a baby crying for a few minutes, let alone the 45 minutes or longer it may take on night 1. We used our video monitors to make sure they were okay but dial down the volume. I had headaches from listening to them and after a few nights, dialed down the volume.

4. Be very clear with your partner about what the plan is.

You will most likely get scattered listening to your baby cry for so long. Have the discussions before hand with your DH or partner so that you agree on a plan of action and you don't have to decide in the stress of the moment when they're screaming. Be clear about how much crying you're going to accept and the time markers that you will be using before responding.

So that's it...we'll try round two in a few weeks. Thank you to all of you who offered support to us during this time. It was brutal and we are not done yet but we are hopefully a little wiser for the next time around.